73 Reasons Why I Do Not Have a Statue Yet

1. In 5th grade, a smart, beautiful girl wrote me a love letter and asked me to the dance. I crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash. I intended to apologize to her in 12th-grade Calculus on the last day of school, but I didn’t.
2. In 4th grade, my mom told me that the NASCAR driver Bobby Hamilton had cancer. I said “So?” and looked over at my friend to laugh.
3. After months of being prodded by my crush to convert to Christianity, I acted like I had. Then, I spent a few more months pretending to be a Christian, so that she would eventually return the love I felt for her. She did not.
4. My teeth are yellow.
5. I went on a Twitter rant about how much I hate my sister which involved detailing personal family matters. I immediately deleted it.
6. I drink at least 40 oz. of soda a day. [hence #4]
7. I voted for Hillary Clinton instead of Bernie Sanders.
8. I still watch Woody Allen and Roman Polanski films regularly because I am way too confident that I can separate the art from the artist.
9. Sometimes when I am singing along to rap songs, I will mouth the “N-word” under my breath to keep the flow.
10. I tweet too much about useless shit, like cream cheese or the new Rae Sremmurd song.
11. In 7th-grade, I was told by one of my sister’s friends that the girl from reason #1 still liked me and that I could be with her if I just talked more. I was agitated and walked away.
12. In pre-school, a girl promised me a quarter if I could be her boyfriend. I took the quarter and ran.
13. I nearly cut off a good friend because she took nine days to respond to my email. I know it wasn’t that you just “didn’t see it.”
14. In 4th grade, three friends and I formed a club in Fun Company. We would go to the bottom of the hill and tell the dirtiest jokes and cuss as much as we wanted to. Here’s one of my contributions: “What do you say to a bug that is bigger than you?” *holds up both middle fingers* “Fuck you.”
15. In 3rd grade, I lost in a one-on-one tug of war to a girl. I made the excuse to a friend that her nails scratched my hand. That friend immediately confronted the girl and asked her to apologize to me. I ran in embarrassment.
16. A friend from high school asked me to contribute to his sociopolitical magazine that he was trying to publish. I declined because a) I am lazy and b) knowing the guy, I figured it didn’t have a chance in hell at working.
17. I read The Handmaid’s Tale on Sparknotes for class.
18. There’s a college classmate I liked but barely know. We’re friends on Facebook, and she invites me to her concerts. I get her hopes up by clicking “Interested” but then I always chicken out.
19. I have never had a job.
20. I have posted selfies just to force people to admire my jawline and Adam’s apple.
21. I won 2nd place in poster design for the 5th-grade science fair that my mom practically did on her own.
22. My best friend wrote an essay on getting a new dog in 3rd grade. He read it in front of the class. The essay started with him telling us that his bulldog was run over by an 18-wheeler. I laughed hysterically, but I was the only one laughing.
23. I sometimes think that we should not find the cure for cancer because of overpopulation, the implications of cheating death, etc., but then I see a St. Jude’s commercial and realize I am losing my moral center.
24. I fantasize about Donald Trump dying.
25. When I was 10, I gave my sister the middle finger because she got more Arby’s fries than me.
26. I still complain about receiving a 92 in Spanish I, which cost me my perfect high school GPA, as if that means shit in the grand scheme of life.
27. The American flag gives me anxiety.
28. I was a regular member of the comment section of a music blog. I earned enemies for getting into debates over Carly Rae Jepsen. Emotion is a classic.
29. I have only dated one woman, and it went on for way too long because I was afraid to tell her I did not enjoy being in the relationship.
30. I deleted a few reasons because I still want you, as a reader, to like me.
31. I watch movies I know I will hate just so I have something to tweet about.
32. I ate Spaghetti-o’s for almost every meal throughout elementary school.
33. I live in a political bubble, and I don’t care.
34. I don’t believe in God.
35. My drawing of a scene from “Twas the Night Before Christmas” was chosen to go on the wall in 3rd grade, and I bragged about it in art class.
36. I don’t know how to ride a bike.
37. During creative writing workshops, I am probably the most negative voice in the room, but I don’t say much and am not helpful.
38. I like to show off my CD collection, but due to Spotify, I do not listen to them very much.
39. I’m on the fence about legalizing marijuana. Personally, the smell of it makes me extremely nauseous.
40. Any dedication of the military or veterans gives me anxiety.
41. I had too much pride to major in accounting.
42. I have a blog, and I constantly ask my social media followers to “Check it out!”
43. John Mayer has some jams.
44. I judge people who really like John Mayer.
45. In 5th-grade Fun Company, we were playing Knockout basketball. I cheered when an annoying guy lost. He told me I shoot like a girl, so I ran at him, and he had to duck a Bruce Lee fly kick coming for his face. We both had to go inside.
46. In 9th grade, I did a group project with the girl from reason #1 where we had to create a restaurant. She basically did the project by herself, named the restaurant after me, and I still didn’t apologize for throwing her love letter away.
47. I type on my phone with one index finger like I’m 50.
48. I can’t fathom how anybody would want a tattoo.
49. I kept forgetting about the tattoos my ex-girlfriend from reason #29 had, and she knew I did not really care.
50. I can barely swim, meaning I can flail my arms around for 30 seconds until I reach the other side of the pool.
51. I am a white heterosexual male, and honestly, a few statues of people that look like me need to come down before one of me is built.
52. A girl asked me out in the first week of middle school, and I flat out told her no.
53. I do not use Tinder, but if I did, I would be too anxious to ever swipe right.
54. I went to a Haunted House once. Before we even got in, I saw a guy with a chainsaw behind me, so I sprinted out into the parking lot. My mom and the guy with the chainsaw chased after to tell me everything was okay.
55. The phrase “Christian values” gives me anxiety.
56. I have a blind dog, and we, as a family, routinely make fun of her for being blind.
57. My hobbies include writing music criticism and poetry, so you know I ain’t gonna be ballin’.
58. Despite my white complexion, I still try to get away with saying ballin’.
59. I watch Daniel Day-Lewis movies and think to myself “hmm yes, that’s who I want to be.”
60. I think too much about squirrels.
61. If you don’t like Twin Peaks, I probably hate you.
62. If you don’t like Kid A, I probably hate you.
63. I lied about reason #34. David Lynch is God, and I believe in David Lynch.
64. The term “hipster” gives me anxiety.
65. I wear tennis shoes in part to not be called a hipster, but not wanting to be called a hipster is, in fact, a hipster quality.
66. I like to take my glasses off when I walk around campus because it makes me feel more handsome and stronger. However, not wearing glasses literally makes me weaker against an active shooter, a loose bear, etc.
67. The crush from reason #3 told me “Te quiero,” which means “I like you as a friend or brother,” but I mistranslated it as “I want you.” The 92 in Spanish I strikes again.
68. The crush also told me her favorite word was “platonic.” I did not get the message.
69. I think too critically about the views to upvote percentage ratio on Pornhub videos.
70. I made reason #69 about Pornhub on purpose.
71. I have never been to an art museum.
72. I wrote this in a list because paragraphs give me anxiety.
73. If I ever did earn a statue, I would probably ask for it to be 6 feet tall instead of 5’11”.

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